


To Be Triumphant

by NotSoHotsuin



Category: Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor 2
Genre: Angst, Approximately a 1 year cycle that equals to at least 50 deaths, Based on Canon with slight divergences, Blood, Break the Cutie, Character Death, Io/Daichi and Hibiki/Io are mentioned because they're canon, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Rape/Non-con Elements, This is not going to be pleasant for anyone, Time Loop, Violence, mentions of several bad endings, more tags will be added as the fic expands, spoilers for all routes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-11-28 05:08:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11410848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotSoHotsuin/pseuds/NotSoHotsuin
Summary: On their mission to confront Polaris and restore the world with the remaining survivors, something unexpected happens.Hibiki dies.Daichi is the only one that remembers.So begins an infinite loop where the survival games seem never-ending, and Daichi is continuously reminded of how powerless he is against the God that would intentionally leave him with these memories- these shackles that force him to play through those very same 7 days until he manages to save everyone.





	1. Uncanny Resemblance

Daichi found himself replaying the event within his memory again and again, but no matter how he looked at it, he had to face the fact that Yamato had killed his best friend. Io was late on summoning Lugh for support, and Hibiki had thrown himself in front of Daichi to take what could have been a lethal blow for him. Hibiki acted as if it was only the most natural thing to do, as if grabbing Daichi’s shoulder to push him back with a confident grin was only to be expected. That ended up surprising both Yamato and Daichi. Yamato, because he had planned on recruiting Hibiki with the intent to save him from the pests that tarnished his good name. Daichi, because Daichi never imagined anyone cared for him enough to sacrifice their own life so he could keep his.  
  
“Daichi, are you ready?” Io’s voice snapped him out of his own head and helped him profess his request to Polaris.  
  
“...I want our world back. I want…”  
  
_No, not without him._ _  
_ _  
_ _I’m not okay with this._ _  
_ _  
_ _I don’t care if I have to do it all over again._ _  
_ _  
_ _I’m not leaving Hibiki behind._  
  
Polaris bent to the will of the majority- hearing their calls for a new world. All there was left to do was allow the blinding light of Polaris’s judgement befall them, bringing the world back through the Akashic records. The change was subtle enough for Daichi to imagine everything was just a dream. Eyes closed to block out the sight of demons, only to open and find himself stuck in a boring classroom with a blank sheet of paper in front of him. Mind still slow- trying to process the image before him. It almost looked unnatural to see everyone partake in normal activities. In a slight panic, he pulled his arms back to grab the chair he was sitting on so he could push his body upright, feet already sprinting towards the door.  
  
Everything was back to normal.

_Wait, why is Nicea’s app still on my phone?_  
  
Or so, it seemed.

Hibiki was still in his classroom, as expected. The teacher that followed Daichi out cut off his train of thought, and handed him his belongings before muttering something about lack of responsibility and walking away. Hibiki had asked what it was Daichi wanted to show him once class ended, and he could not believe Hibiki was acting this ignorant over the whole ordeal.  
  
“H-hey! You can’t be serious! I mean, look around! Doesn’t it feel familiar? I’m gonna give you a whopping 3 seconds to figure it out, ready? Go!” Hibiki did as Daichi asked, but only shrugged at the sight.  
“It’s our classroom, yeah.” Daichi shook his head, unable to understand how Hibiki was not remembering anything.  
“Hellooo? Polaris? End of the world? You died before me, dude! Snap out of it!” He could not believe Hibiki actually took a step back and tried to avoid eye-contact.  
  
_Oh sure, I’M the crazy person, right?_  
  
“Um, sure?”  
  
_What the heck!? Why won’t you believe me!?_  
  
“Are we going or not?” Daichi took a look at his phone before he replied.  
“...Yeah. Let’s go.” This was the time he would have signed Hibiki up for Nicea.  
  
_If I don’t sign him up for Nicea… maybe… maybe nothing bad will happen to him?_  
  
It was not the best logic, but who knows what triggered the end of the world. It might as well have been Hibiki joining, or a certain number of people signing up for Nicea. That thought did not really sound plausible, but Daichi did not want to sign Hibiki up for the cursed site again. He knew it was a way for them to keep track of the people that were close to them, but he tried to tell himself Nicea would go away if he just pretended it was not there. It did not exist, it couldn’t, not after everything they went through.  
  
As much as Daichi disagreed to their shopping round, Hibiki seemed to drag him to it. They spent about equally as much time there as they did the first time they went out on this exact same day. Daichi did not know if this was the universe conspiring against him, but his plans on getting Hibiki home safely before the crash in the subway was not going smoothly. It was as if a certain set of events had to happen in order for some criteria to be met so he could continue forward.  
  
He spotted Io in the subway, and called her over. She stepped forward reluctantly.  
“Io! Finally! Tell Hibiki I’m not crazy! Tell him we need to get out of here, like, right now!” Fear coursed through him when Io stepped back and held her hands up to her chest defensively.  
  
_No way._ _  
_ _  
_ _No way, no way, no way, no way._ _  
_  
“S-sorry? Do I know you?” Hibiki stepped between them to try and smooth out the conversation. Daichi was standing there, trying to piece together how neither of them seemed to remember what took place in this subway seven days ago. No, this day. It was the same day. It had to be. The similarities were uncanny. He was so fixated on trying to piece together why one of his friends had forgotten him that he did not hear the screeching of metal approaching through the darkened station. The buzz of Io’s phone going off however, and her scream at the gore that flashed on her screen helped him remember just what the priority was right now.  
  
“Crap! Run!” He grabbed Hibiki by the arm.  
“What are you doing!?”  
“You idiot! The train! It’s going to kill us!”  
_  
_ _It’s going to kill you!_ _  
_  
It was so instant. The quake. The screams. The way the train hovered over their forms before everything eventually faded to black.  
  
**Do you want to live?**  
  
_Yes!_  
  
**Downloading The Demon Summoning App.**  
  
Colors peeked through the darkness, and the faintest sound of debri hitting the ground was heard echo through the otherwise mute environment. Daichi’s arms heaved his body upright as his vision slowly came back. A cold line of blood trickled from his forehead down his cheek and dripped onto the cracked ground. Other than a minor concussion, everything was fine. That was, until he realized he was faced with demons that were itching to form a contract again- the very same demons he had encountered the first time. He turned his head quickly, scanning the surrounding area- something that left him somewhat dizzy.  
  
“Hibiki!” Daichi crawled up from the rubble, rubbing his forehead in a weak attempt to ease the pain. The blood ran down his neck and soaked his scarf, but the wound was not fatal. What worried him most was seeing Hibiki’s lifeless body crushed underneath the train. He knew he saw it in the death video, but seeing it upfront made him scream with terror. It was only now that he realized Io had survived the wreckage as well, and was equally as petrified at the sight.  
  
The demon that came out of Io’s phone was starting to use Zio, and trapped her in a corner. Daichi hated watching it- hated just sitting there without a single clue of what to do other than gawk at the mess before them. This was not supposed to be happening again. It was supposed to be over. His hands pulled at Hibiki’s clothes in a desperate attempt to revive him. He yelled at him to get up, to stop fooling around. Not that it would help, but it was hard to accept that he had allowed his best friend to die a second time. He was so distracted that he could not see the nearby Kobold run towards him to aim for a Fatal Strike, only to be stopped by a burst of magic that came from the platform above them.  
  
“Are you alright? Hang on, I’m coming down!” A woman in dark clothes and blue hair held her phone out to summon even more demons to the area as she made her way to the lower platform. There was no mistaking it.  
“Makoto!” She stepped back, eyes wide and eyebrows raised. Her pitch stepped up an octave in surprise.  
“How do you know my-” She dodged an incoming Bufu and commanded one of her demons to retaliate. “Nevermind!” She quickly abandoned asking the question and took a strong step forward, voice giving off a more deep and commanding tone. “That’s not important right now. Come with me if you want to survive!”  
  
**Let’s Survive.**  
  
“N-No… Not again…” His voice cracked, choking both on fear for the future and the tears that were starting to form at the corner of his eyes. The sight of his best friend lying in a cold pool of crimson made his limbs too weak to move. The kind blue eyes he had grown so familiar with were now a faded and misty grey- eyelashes coated with blood that had already started to coagulate.  
  
“Why… Why is this happening all over again!?” Knowing Hibiki would have survived if he just signed him up for Nicea made him want to scream.  
  
_My fault._ _  
_ _  
_ _This is my fault._ _  
_ _  
_ _No, it can’t be._ _  
_ _  
_ _I won’t leave without him._  
  
“Hurry! Both of you!”  
  
_We are just high schoolers! What do you want us to do!?_  
  
He could cry all he wanted, but no one would understand why.  
  
No one else remembered the painful seven days.  
  
So, the games began again, sparing everyone but one tormented soul of the memory that time was indeed repeating itself.


	2. The Butterfly Effect

**Let’s survive.**   
  
_You lied._

_How do you expect me to handle all of this alone?_   
  
_How am I supposed to save everyone?_   
  
_I know it’s what I want, but… why me? I’m not the right person for this..._  


No one believed him. Either they did not believe him, or they did not hear him. The universe did not allow contradictions that could break the fabric of time. Anything he said had either been replaced with gibberish or was ignored by everyone whom he tried to tell, even his very best friend. He was starting to fear that his words made him come across as a crazy person, so he eventually stopped trying to convince everyone he was telling the truth- that they were stuck in a strange time-loop.

Even the smallest action, no matter how insignificant, seemed to change the sequence of events. Some things were certain to happen depending on what time it was or what actions one took during said time, like the deaths of Keita, Jungo, and Io. However, it was easy to say that they all faced death in the exact same locations every single time, and never anywhere else.  
  
Hibiki?   
  
Hibiki suffered fates similar to theirs, but they were constantly changing location without warning. During skirmish, against septentriones, even civilians- it seemed so inconsistent. How were you supposed to protect someone you had to keep an eye on around the clock?

He was trying to come to terms with the fact that he might not be able to save everyone.  
  
That was not something he wanted to accept. He did not even allow himself to entertain the idea. No, no one had to fight. No one had to die. It was that simple. There was a solution, and he was going to find it, no matter how many tries it required, no matter how many worlds were reset. Everyone had to make it out of this safely, otherwise, he’d never forgive himself.   
  
_I will make sure of it._   
  
_I’ll protect you._   
  
_I’ll protect everyone._   
  
_I know I can’t do much, but if I’m the only one that remembers then I’m holding all the cards._   
  
_There must be an answer here somewhere._   
  
_Please, Hibiki, help me find the answer._   
  
_I can’t do this on my own._  
  
_I can’t do this without you._  


* * *

   
Living through the same seven days without Hibiki was only making things worse on the people around him that usually lived to join their teams. Without Hibiki, Daichi barely managed to keep track of all their friends, and they all fell victim to fate one after the other. Keita, Jungo, Joe, Io, and Makoto- he knew he might have been leaving someone out, it was so easy to forget.  
  
Facing Polaris again only beside Hinako and a small handful of others was rougher, but he told himself it was for the greater good. Seeing the white light bathe their bodies and cure their wounds again made him only wish for one thing when he closed his eyes every time.  
  
A new chance.  
  
The colors of a classroom began to come back again, and Daichi wasted no time loitering. As soon as he regained his sense of self, he rushed to Hibiki’s classroom so he could drag him away from school property. He was certain he had pulled Hibiki across half of Tokyo already.  
  
_If we’re not in the subway, then we can’t get hurt, then we can’t- shit! Io!_  
  
The panic in his voice returned when he attempted to tug Hibiki back towards the subway station to save Io, but the shock of a quake ended up sending both of them to their knees. These were not any normal quakes, but Hibiki did not know that yet. No one knew. Soon, the area would be swarming with low-ranked demons that materialized from people’s phones to form contracts. No place was safe anymore.  
  
The quake only intensified, bringing down a nearby building to the left of them. Daichi pulled Hibiki up in attempt to run far away. He made a huge mistake by dragging Hibiki straight into the city instead of out into an open area. Hibiki was staggering behind, confused and worried. Daichi was trying not to blame himself for forgetting Io, and accidentally overlooked what he should have been paying attention to from the very start. Of course, Io could not die now. She was signed up to Nicea. Io was safe.  
  
There was only one answer to this, and it was that fate was absolute.  
  
Why else would a large building have collapsed over their bodies, leaving only Daichi with the ability to cling to life through Nicea’s demon summoning application.   
  
Daichi learned his lesson.  
  
Avoiding signing Hibiki up for Nicea was only doing him a disservice.  


* * *

_  
Can I stay in this moment? Can I just remember this? _

  
Daichi tried to take enjoyment out of the two hours he got when they went shopping at the start of their first day. It was the only time where demons were completely gone from the world. It was two hours enclosed in a safe zone, and it allowed him to act normal with his best friend for once. There were so many people around, so many lively smiles and laughs shared in the crowd that he mentally washed his bad thoughts away with all the positive emotion that filled the air.   
  
“What do you think?” Hibiki asked him and held out a CD with a dark motif on the front.   
“Just buy it already,” Daichi did not want to sound bitter, but he knew Hibiki was going to buy the thing anyways. He always did. That was what he thought until Hibiki scanned the CD back to cover and neatly tucked it back into place.   
“Maybe next time.”   
  
Daichi did not know what to say.   
  
All he did was stare.   
  
He had a feeling that was not supposed to happen.   
  
_...Was it something I said?_  


* * *

  
Their first encounter with Joe was impossible to avoid. He had no clue how Joe managed to overpower him every single time no matter how much he braced himself for the event. He had a specific sly touch to his grip that always managed to knock Daichi over and rendered him defenseless. All he could do was watch as Joe dragged him away to the center stage, and Hibiki and Io soon followed.

  
“Pervert!” Hearing Hibiki say that every time with that serious expression made him laugh nervously. Joe was an oddball, but he was not going to put his hands on him in an ungodly way. He did not even look the type. It was still nice to see Hibiki act so serious about it- so overprotective. Joe looked hurt by the remark, and tried to make himself clear. Daichi was already preparing for battle, readying his phone at the demons that were gathering around them.   
  
The fight moved along as smoothly as ever. Daichi even found the courage to step down from the stage to face the demons directly this time around with no hesitation. Several days of combat had left him more experienced than his friends, and he was starting to remember both the strengths and limitations of the demons they faced. Unfortunately, Angel class demons managed to fly their way past him up on the stage to tackle Joe.   
  
“Here! Take this!” Hibiki quickly tossed his phone over to Joe, giving him control of his own demons.   
  
_No, no, no, no, you idiot!_   
  
“Hibiki!” Defenseless. It only took him a short while to fall victim to a Piercing Hit.   
  
They managed to rescue Joe but Hibiki suffered for it.   
  
_You! Idiot! Ugh!_   
  
_It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine._   
  
_Just 7 more days._   
  
_I can do that. I can do it again._   
  
_I’ll just not leave his side this time._   
  
_Yeah, haha, seven more days, yay…_   
  
He was starting to lose his sense of humor. Then, he began to worry over why he was trying to find humor in a painful death, and stopped himself before he allowed his mind to wander.   


* * *

  
He did not remember the days. The weeks. Months. Perhaps even years. Any normal person would start to hallucinate- would start to say things differently just for a change of pace or dramatic effect. When everything was set in stone and there were no repercussions, what was there really to lose?

That was when he noticed how little his words mattered. In fact, that was also when he noticed how little everyone else’s words mattered. Hibiki’s words were the only ones anyone seemed to pay attention to, and Daichi was starting to understand why. Hibiki’s lines were unique. They did not feel rehashed like everyone else's. In fact, they almost seemed organic. While he had always thought everyone was replying normally, the more times he traveled through loops the easier it was to recognize sentences he knew he had heard before- had remembered himself uttering before. He tried to test his theory by bringing up the disgusting bottle he found in that broken vending machine during the second day.

“What do you think? Should I drink it?” Asking anyone else the same question at this time if he was not with Hibiki gave him nothing but static. A vague and simplistic answer was given, but nothing defined that tied their response to his specific event. Hibiki’s reply was so fluent, simple, and almost typical.

“Chug!” It should not have been significant, but when every other person was offering him stock replies with no drive or personality, these comments had a tendency to stand out more. Every event that involved Hibiki actually ended up changing based on none other than Hibiki’s actions or reactions during that event.

The weird part was that Hibiki’s dialogue changed from loop to loop, and managed to change other people’s dialogue from loop to loop as well.

Daichi equated it to nothing more than making Hibiki feel different things through different loops, and not to anything that could alter the state of events drastically. It was not as if saying a few words was going to change anyone’s fate.

 

That theory was going to be proven wrong very soon.  


* * *

  
The cycle had been repeated well over five times now, and so far, everyone was doing well during their run. It made Daichi feel a little more confident. This might actually work.   
  
They had recently gotten the announcement Io would be aiding them in the summoning of Lugh, and Daichi felt compelled to support her through her hardships. Hibiki got the chance to comfort Io multiple times, so Daichi hoped he could let his own feelings show as both a leader and a good friend. While Hibiki was skeptical and wanted to see Io before she was summoned by JP’S, he trusted Daichi’s judgement, and sent him off with his best regards. Daichi knew it was the wrong time to start confessing feelings, so he made his voice heard and offered Io the comfort he thought she needed.   
  
“Don’t worry! Nothing will happen to you. We’ll all make sure of it! I-I’ll do my best to make sure of it, too. Trust me, I might not know much, but I know we’re all getting out of this alive for sure!” He felt like such an idiot.   
  
_You could have told me you loved him._   
  
Hibiki’s absence ended up costing Io her life.   
  
That was the moment Daichi decided not to keep Hibiki from talking to Io.   
  
It pained him to admit it, but if Hibiki’s comforting words helped save her over his own attempt, he had to bend to the will of fate for the greater good.   
  
_I just… I want to support you._   
  
Daichi was aware whose support it was that Io wanted, and it was not his. He would have forced a smile her way, and tried to urge Hibiki to follow her by nudging his shoulder had it been necessary at all. During the next attempt, Hibiki automatically ran after her, trying to soothe her aching heart.   
  
Daichi pretended not to be bothered by it. His saddened expression fortunately went by unnoticed in such a trying time. Not even Makoto saw through him, and she was pretty good at reading people. Either that, or she made no comment about it. Daichi waited the event out in his room like he usually would, tapping away at his phone until he heard light footsteps outside his door. They were here to summon him to their next battlefield. It was a sign that all preparations had been completed.   
  
_You comfort her, but what about me?_   
  
_I’m the one who has to see all this happen again and again…_   
  
_Could you spare some sympathy for your best friend? Just… in case you still remember you’ve got one._   
  
He would be lying if he said Io’s relationship with Hibiki did not make him a tad jealous.   
  
_He was my friend first, you know?_   
  
“Haha, what are you saying. That’s stupid. Stop being stupid.” He was starting to worry. Talking out loud to himself when no one else was around made him nervous. It was not something he was used to.   
  
_They’re both your friends. So what if they like each other?_   
  
_You don’t even know if they really do. You’re just-_   
  
_Stop… thinking about it._   
  
But he could not let it go. Something about the thought of Hibiki and Io getting together made him uneasy.   
_  
It’s not fair._


	3. Full state of Delirium: The False Friendship Presupposition

It started when he tried to speak his mind. He enjoyed having the freedom to talk back whenever someone insulted him, since he knew no harm would come to him enough to kill him, and because standing up for himself for once was rather enjoyable. It also made Hibiki look at him with surprise spread across his face. He was almost afraid to say that the look was so satisfying it gave him a kick.  
  
“Um, Daichi, I think most of us had that idea…” There was a pleased smile on Daichi’s face. He loved replying back to Io’s subtle snide comments so indifferently. He had grown so accustomed to her offhand remarks that he was able to counter them several times with no difficulty. Each reply varied, but he always got a similar reaction out of her. Reliving the events also helped him pick up on her subtlety more. He upped the ante every time, trying to outperform himself just to get some frustration out. No one would remember anyways, so what was the harm?   
  
“Oh, wow. Since you’re implying I’m an idiot and all that, I guess I could nod politely and let it slide like the good-guy I am, but I could also call you out on it. What would work best for you, m’lady?”   
“W-what? No. That wasn’t what I was trying to…” He did not give her time to act hurt by the comment.   
  
“Okaaaay~ Let’s head up and look at how completely trashed our world is before we rescue Keita for like the fifteenth time!” He said it so cheerfully that he could almost detect the madness in his words. This was wrong. He knew he should be scared, but it almost felt liberating not to be- to lose his sense of fear. Everyone overlooked the fact he said it was about the fifteenth time to rescue Keita. That part probably translated to gibberish for everyone else, or sounded different in their ears. No matter how many times he tried to tell them that events were repeating, they’d all look at him as if he was insane. The worst part about it was that Daichi was starting to think they were right.   
  
“Man, you’re being way too cynical. The world isn’t in ruins.”   
“If money wasn’t utterly meaningless, I’d bet everything I owned against you, Joe.”   
“Haha! Confident for a change? You’re on! Your savings against my savings.”   
“Come on, Joe. It’s not like you have any savings.”   
“Welp, you got me there. Anyone else wanna join the discourse before we head up? No one? Alright, then let’s get cracking.”   
  
It felt pleasant to have a new conversation every once in awhile, but there was only so many limitations to what could be said and done to alter the course of events before it too started to repeat itself, and some conversations had to be avoided for the greater good.   
  
That was a lesson Daichi came to learn the hard way.   


* * *

  
It was odd to see that even Alcor did not remember the events. It must have been because his memories were reset as well, or because Polaris would not allow it. The idea seemed a little absurd to him. Why would Polaris deliberately stop people from remembering the same events took place? Everyone being aware of their struggles might help them work together for a common goal. It could also halve the burden immensely.   
  
_Is it because people would start to panic? I know I was at first but… I’m sure Hibiki would be fine. He could handle anything._   
  
Would the seven days play out differently if everyone remembered their deaths? Would that make the events harder to stop? Was there any way to justify what was going on right now?   
  
_Is that why only I remember? One person is safer? Or is it because… I’m the only one being sent back?_   
  
_If everyone did remember though, I’m sure they’d go insane by the tenth loop, haha..._

He had already lost count of how many times he had seen his friend’s die. It was weird to know he did not feel guilty about it in the slightest. What terrified him more was how he found himself lacking energy to care about things he otherwise would have been passionate about. Daichi enjoyed asking Hibiki if he knew what Alcor was talking about, mostly because the look on Hibiki’s face was priceless when he was confused.   
“Hey, dude, what do you think all this-”   
“Hush, Daichi.” Hibiki did not turn to look his way. His eyes were fully fixed on Alcor’s floating figure, trying to piece together what his presence could mean. The comment was harsh and came out of nowhere so swiftly that Daichi was at a loss for words.   
“O-oh... sorry.” That was sudden.   
  
_H-have you always wanted to say that to me?... I’ve never… heard you shut me up like that._   
  
_… Did I do something to deserve that? Did I make you angry?_   
  
It hurt. More than he wanted to admit. It reminded him of the way Hibiki put back that CD in the shop- it did not seem like something Hibiki would do. He tried to mull it over in the time everyone was paying attention to Alcor. Having heard this conversation about a thousand times already, he tried to figure out what it was that he did wrong instead- what he could have done to upset Hibiki enough to tell him to be quiet. Not knowing the answer was bothering him. The comment was totally uncalled for and seemed out of character.   
  
When the surprise of Alcor’s reveal had settled and everyone was discussing the Septentriones, Daichi felt like interrupting them to shed some light on the conversation. There was no reason for them to be stuck on this when they could easily speed up to the part about the Septentriones being stars based on the alignment of the big dipper. However, when he tried to get a word in edgewise to slow down the voices talking over one another, Io spoke up.   
  
“Um, O-okay. Sorry, Daichi. It’s not as complex as you’re making it.” Not as complex as he was making it. He felt about ready to fall to his knees with laughter.   
“Ohoho, you have no idea! Hahaha!”   
  
_Not as complex? What do you know!_   
  
_I’m so ahead of you! Over 100 days ahead of you!_   
  
_Heck, I’m ahead of Yamato! You can’t lecture me!_   
  
“Um… Daichi?” He clasped his hands over his lips nervously in a rush. That was not supposed to happen. It was an odd laugh that escaped him on impulse.   
  
_Why am I laughing? This isn’t funny. I’m not happy. Maybe I’m just upset. But why am I laughing? Why can’t I stop?_   
  
_Haha, I don’t know! I’ve just never noticed how mean you are sometimes!_   
  
_I never noticed how mean Hibiki is sometimes!_   
  
_Is it just me? Or are all of you kind of turning against me?_   
  
_Please, tell me I’m imagining it._   
  
_Please…?_   
  
No one would answer. They only stared at him with that same dead look in their eyes- a look that made them appear like nothing more than hollow puppets. Daichi tried to shake the feeling.   
  
_This isn’t happening, this isn’t happening, this isn’t happening..._

 

* * *

  
“Your strength is commendable. You do not seem fazed by the terror at all. Tell me. What is it that you’re thinking of right now?” With the confident smirk plastered on Yamato’s pale features, one would think he was talking to Hibiki, not Daichi. The realization that he could say anything he wanted to Yamato right now without any future repercussions made him grow a backbone, only because he was certain the universe would not allow him to die. It might allow him to suffer or lose an arm, but not die. That luxury didn’t exist.

  
“I think you’re an asshole.” Yamato’s expression shifted, eyebrow twitching only slightly at the insult before he offered Daichi a chuckle.   
“Intriguing. However, I don’t particularly care what you think about me. Anything else? If not, return to your room for the evening.” That reply was expected, but Daichi tried to push his buttons even further. It did not help him to know that Yamato did not remember just about half the horrible things he forced them to do for his own sick ideals.   
“... I’m not going to let you hurt anyone.”   
“Are you insinuating I would cause you and your friends harm?”   
“I’m not insinuating. I’m telling you. I’m not going to let you hurt them.” Hurting Hibiki once was enough. Daichi was aware that the first kill was an accident, but he knew how possessive Yamato was of Hibiki, and he was going to do everything in his power to keep those grabby hands away from his best friend.   
  
_Yeah, okay, no, that’s disgusting… Why am I suddenly thinking about this jerk sticking his tongue down my best friend’s- nevermind, nevermind, nevermind-_   
  
_Ugh, God. Nightmares. I am. Welcoming nightmares. Stoooop thinking._   
  
_Just stop._   
  
It was true. The attraction Yamato had towards Hibiki was rather plain and could be spotted from a mile away. The chief would let his hands linger on Hibiki’s shoulder- a spot that was especially reserved for Daichi’s own hand, according to Daichi, at least. Yamato did not have a right to touch Hibiki so freely. He had not earned the right. It took years for Daichi to build up that trust, and seeing Hibiki just allow Yamato this close made him want to hurl. This was not like him. The Hibiki he grew fond of would never agree to work for a secret government organization on a whim. Then again, they had never been pushed to these limits before. He was starting to wonder whether or not he actually knew Hibiki at all- and whether the label of ‘best friend’ was just fancy words tossed around to pretty-up a sentence.   
  
_Haha, this isn’t funny, this really isn’t funny…_   
  
_Why do I keep getting the feeling everyone hates me?_   
  
_Why do I get the feeling… you hate me too, Hibiki?_   
  
“How unfortunate,” Yamato’s cold voice brought him back from his daydreaming and reminded him that he was actually holding a conversation. “-you have the strength, but you lack good judgement. You barely know me. Is it really fair for you to make such a broad statement?” How he loathed that answer.   
  
_I know you._   
  
_Of course, I know you._   
  
_You have no problem killing others._   
  
_I wouldn’t mind if someone killed you._   
  
_I would kill you myself if I cou-_   
  
_...If I…_   
  
_If I...could get away with it..._   
  
He shook his head, trying to suppress the thought of just throwing himself over Yamato in an act of revenge. If the world truly reset every time someone died and erased everyone’s memories along with it, then he could actually get away with murder. He started panicking, trying to shove the idea out of his head. Where were all these thoughts coming from? He could not possibly do anything like that to Yamato, nor anyone else. He could not even imagine doing it to someone that truly deserved it. The concept was so… alien. Yet, he found himself thinking about it without remorse. That realization was more than a little alarming.   
  
_Slow breaths._   
  
_Deep, deep breaths._   
  
_No one’s going to die._   
  
_You’re not going to kill anyone._   
  
_Everything’s going to be fine._   
  
He was unconvinced, and the world around him did not make it easy to ignore the fact he could get away with anything he set his mind to. As long as he wanted it, it could be done. He could find a way, and there would be no traces left. He felt his breathing pick up for some reason, and his body was starting to shake with anxiety.   
  
_No, no, no._   
  
_Bad thoughts._   
  
_Stick to the plan._   
  
_D-do I have a plan?..._   
  
Everything was fading before his eyes.   
  
The future looked so bleak.   
  
_I… I’ve never had a plan… Haha..._  


* * *

  
There was too much to remember- too many events to take into account to save his best friend and roughly ten other people. It was not as if he was the only one tasked with protecting others, but for some reason, he was the only one who remembered. Any time he even made an attempt to tell others about it, his words would not reach them. It was as if they were replying to a question he asked ages ago.

  
_Maybe it just feels like I asked it ages ago._   
  
Time had no concept anymore. Time was 7 days. In a world that repeats itself in a cycle where no one ages and no one remembers, it looked as if the loop was unavoidable and impossible to stop. Daichi kind of wished he was unaware- that his memories would be wiped away as well with the rest of his friends. Living in ignorance would at least ease him of the torment. It would ease him from the mundane task of mouthing certain replies in tune with how each and every one of his friends were saying it. That was how painfully obvious their replies had become- so obvious he could mimic them to a t. If nobody was there to share his burden, or even understand it, he had no idea how he would survive in this world. If there was just some way to forget. Only then could he have some semblance of calm, some relief from the stress that piled on until all he was left with was a strong lack of empathy.   
  
_Nothing I do matters._   
  
_Someone always has to die._   
  
_Why can’t it be me?_   
  
He had tried. It became too much to bear. Eventually, one had to consider other options. His attempts at suicide always fell through. People around him simply would not allow him to die, and any comment about it to the others went by unnoticed or unheard of. It was as if the survival games would not allow him to cease existing.   
  
_I don’t care about any of this anymore._   
  
_All of you are on your own._   
  
_I can’t take it._   
  
_Why am I not even allowed the freedom to stop breathing._   
  
_Why am I being held hostage?_   
  
During fights with demons, Septentriones, and even Polaris, he attempted to endanger himself just to end his misery, only to find out there was no possible way for him to actually successfully end his life. It only brought him back right to the start again.   
  
**Do you want to live?**   
  
_No._   
  
**Downloading The Demon Summoning App.**   
  
_No! Listen to me! I don’t want this! I’ve had enough!_   
  
_I want to die!_   
  
Even telling Tico at the very start of the survival game that he wished to perish did not seem to have any impact on him. It was as if his life was set in stone- as if his life ensured the survival of other people.   
  
He tried to mull it over in the countless days he found himself faced with- the days he lost track of long before he lost track of how many times Hibiki had died before his eyes.   
  
It was getting strenuous to pretend he was still equally as shocked by all the deaths. He lacked the fear to hide the fact that he had become indifferent to his friend’s suffering.   
  
“Master Daichi, I have compiled a summary of today’s events for your convenien-”   
“I don’t want to hear it.”   
“Are you certain?”

_It's not like I need you to remind me that the people I care about are dead, you idiot._   


* * *

  
Attempting to kill himself never lead to good things, but he was starting to lose what little semblance of sense he had left in his mind the longer the loop continued. It was frustrating to save the same people over and over again, only for them to never really show their gratitude properly. Even when summoning Kama, Airi made a remark about how she was going to kick Daichi’s ass- specifically his, for no apparent reason. It managed to make him retaliate in a way he never retaliated before. He actually downright insulted her, mouthing her off and challenging her to dare step closer. Hibiki and Fumi had to break them apart, because it just evolved into a screaming contest.   
  
_I’m sick and tired of all of you!_   
  
_I go out of my way to save you and you want to hurt me?!_   
  
_It’s like I’m not important at all to you people!_   
  
_Why the hell do I call you my friends?!_   
  
Keita annoyed him the most. Through every run, he attempted to befriend him in different ways, only for Keita to say the same Keita-esque things he always said to mushy responses.   
  
“You’re so annoying! Just shut up and leave me alone.” It was not until Keita insulted him after he had risked both his and Hibiki’s life saving him that he actually snapped at him.   
  
“Thirty times…” He could only make an estimate. The true number was lost on him. His tone was void of emotion- almost utterly robotic. “Thirty. Fucking. Times. I’ve… had it!” This mental breakdown acted differently to all his other meltdowns. He had never felt a rush of adrenaline pump through his veins quick enough for him to act on an impulse to hurt people. His hands moved on their own accord, and he threw himself over Keita, pushing him down to the ground to punch him straight in the face. Daichi had not grasped the fact he just forced himself onto a 14 year old, arms swinging full force, putting his entire body weight into the motion.   
  
“I hate you! I hate you! I hate you more than anyone else in this Goddamn world! Just die! Die already! Die if you want to die!” He did not mean it. At least, that was the rational he hoped he would regain after the adrenaline rush was over. Keita had a sickly frown on his face before he grabbed Daichi by the forearms and wrapped his legs around him in a tight grip to roll him over on his back. Daichi overlooked the fact Keita was a boxer in-training, so when Keita gained the advantage on him, he felt the full force of his fists- and they were merciless.   
  
“So it’s a fight you want!? Alright, now you’re talkin’ my language, dipshit! I’ll give you a fight!” Each blow felt more intense than the next, and Keita kept a steady rhythm that was only getting increasingly harder to interrupt. “-Idiot! Do you really think you can beat me?! I’d like to see your little scrawny ass try!” It hurt, but he was smiling through gritted teeth. Something different happened for once- something new. It was exciting. “Do you want to die, Tokyo trash!?”   
  
_Yes!_   
  
_Kill me!_   
  
_I really want you to kill me!_   
  
_Come on, Keita! You can do it!_   
  
_I know you want to!_   
  
As pleasant as it was to imagine the sweet embrace of death -the free pass to avoid all suffering- he knew it was impossible for him to achieve such an end by challenging Keita to a fight. Hibiki pulled Keita back with all the force in his body, and Io kept her arms around Daichi to keep him from getting up to retaliate and pursue conflict. Blood trickled down his nose and tainted his yellow scarf crimson. Keita truly went all out, and Daichi was afraid to admit it felt refreshing to get the utmost shit kicked out of him for once. Joe was watching from the sidelines, confused and a little hesitant to meddle, while Hinako assisted Hibiki in apprehending Keita. Everyone was yelling so loudly- Hinako and Hibiki scolding Keita, Keita barking back something along the lines of “That shithead started it!” and Io was mumbling something about how Daichi should know better than to attack someone with Keita’s strength.   
  
_You hate me as much as Keita does, Io. I can tell. It’s so obvious. You’re so obvious._   
  
_You too, Hibiki. Probably. Why wouldn’t you? Everyone else does._   
  
_Even God hates me. That’s why I’m here. To be laughed at. To be mocked. You did good, you flying naked bitch in the sky- give leadership to the incompetent moron who doesn’t understand basic math- give him responsibility over other people’s lives._   
  
_All of you hate me._   
  
_That’s fine._   
  
_I don’t care._   
  
_I hate you, too._   
  
One thing was for sure.   
  
It felt awfully good to finally get to punch Keita for all the disparaging comments he hurled his way.


	4. The Paradigm Shift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Non-con, rape-ish chapter. Nothing happens, but I felt like warning in any case.

The world was truly becoming a hell to live in when even Hibiki’s presence failed to cheer him up. They were rummaging through an abandoned building in search for supplies when he let his mind wander. The pressure was too much. No matter how hard he tried, he could not find a solution to everything. He tried to keep track, to keep notes, but what good was it when everything reset to the very start again? His lips trembled, trying to gather some energy to force a sentence that had built up over time- a sentence that made him feel as if his body was about to combust.   
  
_ I… I give up. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ You win. _   
  
“Thinking of Io again?” In the past, Hibiki’s voice would have startled him when he was lost in thought. Now, it only barely caught his attention. The mention of Io made him scowl.   
“Uh, no… I don’t really care for Io.” Hibiki had an amused grin on his face. Daichi wished he could say he found some joy seeing Hibiki smile, but it was only making him furiously jealous.   
  
_ Are you happy? _ _   
_ _   
_ _ You can have her. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Haha, what am I saying? She was yours to begin with. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Not that she could ever like someone like me. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Not that you could ever like someone like me. _ _   
_   
“What happened to swelling up with manly desire?” Daichi felt apathetic, but he tried to keep up appearances, even if he was feeling the urge to just throw himself straight into the black scar.   
“It’s there. In the background. Somewhere. Probably.” Hibiki laughed. The tone of his best friend’s voice rang clearly in his ears. It was a tone he had trouble laughing along with. That should have been surprising, but considering their circumstances, it really was not.    
“At least Io’s talking to us. Cheer up!”   
  
_ You.  _ _   
_ _   
_ _ She’s talking to you. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ She only has eyes for you. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ She doesn’t want to talk to me. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Actually, talking to me kills her! Hahaha! Wow! I feel like such an idiot knowing that, still! _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Not that I care. I stopped caring… somewhere, somewhere, somewhere 50 days into it... _   
  
“I don’t really feel like joking.” His body had forgotten how to take pleasure in the little things, and he found himself repeating words and sentences in his head far too often for it to be sane. Repetition and hallucination was a clear sign of lunacy, but it was not as if he was in the right mindset to take note of his unstable psyche. Everything was dull, crippling, and nothing was the same. His disposition was not even the same anymore. 

 

He was not the same anymore.   
  


“Should I be worried?”   
  
_ About me? _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Are you ever? _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Do you think about me like I think about you? _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Hard to believe. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Would you go through all this trouble, just for me? _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Would you do what I’m doing right now, just for me? _ _   
_ _   
_ _ That’s even harder to believe, Hibiki. _ _   
_   
_ Why don’t you tell me the truth. I can handle it. It will be easier watching you say you hate me than watching you die again, and again, and again, and aga- _   
  
Daichi pulled his hands over his face and shook his head, trying to stop his mind from thinking- from spiralling even further into an eternal state of madness. It was so hard not to think his strife was for nothing, a joke, a mistake- hopeless. It was something that was never going to come to fruition, much like his unexpressed feelings for his best friend and his want-to-be-girlfriend. The feelings he harbored for the both of them were so conflicted and convoluted that it gave him a headache just putting them together in the same sentence.   
  
_ I can’t breathe. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I get it, you like her, just admit it. I’m not an idiot, no matter what you all think of me. You flirt with her all the time, just do us both a favor and ask her out already. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Why am I still here? Am I even relevant anymore? _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Have I ever been? _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Why. Am I. Still here. _ _   
_ _   
_ “Daichi?” _   
_ _   
_ _ Because of you. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Right, right, right, I almost forgot. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ How could I forget? It’s all I ever think about. You, you, you. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ If I could go on without you, I wouldn’t be here, you know. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I wouldn’t be this bitter. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I almost hate how important you are to me. _   
  
“Don’t! I’m fine!” He wished he had not yelled, because that raised a whole lot of suspicion.   
  
_ Good going, genius. As if you weren’t embarrassing enough without your pitch going haywire. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Not that it matters. We’re alone, and he won’t remember. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ He won’t remember. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ That means I can do anything. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ There are no consequences. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Hahaha, I could press him up against the wall. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I could yell at him. Scold him, even. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I could punch him. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Heck, I could kill him. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I could even rape him. _ _   
_   
“Daichi, are you okay?” Going down that slippery slope had truly left him feeling strangely tingly. It was a sensation he was not sure he recognized anymore. There was definitely something wrong with him, but he was having a hard time understanding exactly what it was. He was not sure he even cared if he had all these negative thoughts. All he was wondering was whether that tingling feeling was one of excitement, and whether there was a way to make it last longer.   
“Oh, haha, yeah, of course! Why wouldn’t I be?” The pained expression on Hibiki’s face told him his voice must have suspiciously fluctuated in pitch again.   
“...You don’t sound okay.”   
  
_ What would you do if I kissed you? _ _   
_ _   
_ _ What sound would you make? _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Would you hate me? _ _   
  
_

_ That makes sense. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ You wouldn’t want another guy touching you. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ You wouldn’t want me touching you. _ _   
_   
Daichi gently let his hands rest at Hibiki’s shoulders, fingers curving around the soft fabric of his familiar hoodie. He took in the scent and essence of Hibiki as he leaned closer, making sure to indulge in the feeling now that they had some privacy. Whatever it was, it helped Daichi imagine happier days of the two of them together when he closed his eyes. His arms softly pushed Hibiki against the wall- against the tapestry that was worn out and faded. Despite Daichi’s focused expression, Hibiki did not look scared. That might have had something to do with the fact Daichi never once acted to hurt others, and never put Hibiki in danger through the ten years they had known each other for.   
_   
_ _ You want Io’s hands on you, right? Sure, why wouldn’t you. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Actually, you probably already let her touch you. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Screw that, you probably never had to give her permission.  _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Do you let her do everything to you, though? _ _   
_ _   
_ _ There’s things I could do to you that someone as innocent as your precious little Io couldn’t. _   
  
Daichi was aware his sanity went AWOL, escaped to some far off place along with his remorse and the rest of his feelings. If only there was someone to stop him- to tell him it did not have to end this way. The freedom to talk back and defend himself had turned into the freedom to insult his friends- to hurt his friends. Now, he downright hated all his supposed friends to some degree. Hated them for not remembering, hated them for not trying to comfort him even if they had no way of knowing he was suffering. That was no excuse. It did not feel fair for it to be an excuse.   
  
_ I bet I could make you forget Io. Forget her as easily as you forgot me. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Then again, what do I know about forgetting? I can’t forget a damn thing, haha! _ _   
_   
“We should probably get back, or Makoto will worry,”   
“Hey, Hibiki,”   
“Hm? Yeah?”   
“Would you mind…” Daichi grinned widely and tugged lightly at the fabric near Hibiki’s hips. “-reeeemoving those pants?” He said it in a joking manner, almost hinting something of an old personality that was buried beneath the spite, the jealousy, and the resentment he harbored for Polaris. Hibiki was utterly lost, and while that did not make Daichi’s smile fade, it did make him horribly annoyed.   
“Uh, what?” Daichi hummed meekly, drawing his palms over Hibiki’s chest to pass the time.   
“I bet you wouldn’t look so confused if it was Io asking you the same thing. You’d probably be into it.” He pressed his body up against Hibiki’s with an unwavering smile. “That’s a little sick, don’t you think? Crushing on your best friend’s crush? Don’t you feel a little bad?” The look on Hibiki’s face was only making him more frustrated.   
“What does Io have to do with this?”   
  
_ She loves you. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Why wouldn’t she? You’re perfect. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Why wouldn’t you love her? She’s perfect. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ And I’m just me. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Why would you want to like someone like me? _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Annoying, loud, obnoxious, stupid, tiresome, high-maintenance, useless- It hurts, but that’s fine. I know it’s true. That’s how you see me, right? _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Then it doesn’t matter if you hate me a little bit more. _   
  
Daichi let his fingers unbutton Hibiki’s jacket so he could stick his hands underneath his striped shirt. Hibiki tensed up, and grabbed Daichi to stop him. Daichi quickly took the initiative, hands locking onto Hibiki’s to pull them up over his head- rendering him defenseless so he could bite into his neck freely.   
  
“Daichi!” Hibiki struggled to get out of Daichi’s grip, but made more effort to try and talk Daichi out of it than pull himself away. “Stop! What are you d-ah!” The struggling ensued as Daichi moved his lips down Hibiki’s neck, biting and sucking on soft skin he only ever really fantasized about. It was fun to imagine that it was Io, but it was surprisingly much more fun to imagine it was Hibiki. He never thought he would derive so much pleasure from grinding up against his best friend- breathing hot and heavy against his skin just so he could find an ounce of good in this damned world. Hibiki’s cries and pleas were surprisingly doing the trick, and far surpassed any fantasy he had about Io.   
  
_ You can’t have him, sorry. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I won’t give him to you.  _

 

_ You can take anything you want from me, but not him. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Not Hibiki. _   
  
“Daichi, please, stop!” His breaths were shallow, and only became more frantic when Daichi forced his lips onto Hibiki’s to share a passionate kiss. The scream trying to escape Hibiki’s throat was making Daichi feel oddly at peace. For once, it was not his own screaming that he was hearing echo through his head. He was not the one that was suffering. 

 

Hibiki bit into Daichi’s lips to shake him off, but Daichi took pleasure in the pain. Pain had become something he learned to live with, so feeling Hibiki inflict it upon him through the kiss almost came across as complicit. Suffering was synonymous to excitement at this point- only encouraging him to push his body up against his best friend’s.   
  
“Ah, Hibiki...” He parted his lips to breathe, and that gave Hibiki room to let out another scream into the void. It was naive to assume anyone would hear him and come to his rescue. Civilians could not do anything, and there were no JP’S officers in this area from the looks of it. Hearing Daichi laugh at his shouts for help made him turn absolutely dead-silent. He felt his entire body grow cold when Daichi’s grip around his wrists tightened, only for him to pull his free hand down to grab his jaw and force another kiss.   
  
_ Stop touching him in front of me. Stop pretending I’m not there. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Io, you’re not fooling anyone. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Neither are you, Makoto. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ You too, Yamato. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Haha, am I jealous of Yamato now? I guess I am. You’d take Yamato over me any day. Why wouldn’t you want Yamato? He would have saved you by now. He would have solved everything. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I’m just useless by comparison to any one of you. Useless, useless, useless Daichi. _ _   
_   
Daichi felt Hibiki relax within his grip for a moment, and grinned into their kiss. He was feeling somewhat victorious to have made Hibiki compliant. It was either that, or he was too tired to put up a fair fight anymore. Hibiki’s lips parted to speak, but Daichi took the chance to run his tongue over Hibiki’s own, silencing any attempt at a scream. He pulled back before Hibiki had the time to bite him again, and he snickered at the flush that spread from Hibiki’s cheeks all the way down to his neck. The fact Hibiki had become breathless so quickly was making him feel warm.    
  
Warmth. He completely forgot what that felt like up until now.   
  
“Daichi, stop! I want you to stop! Just quit it!” Hibiki did not know if he was relieved or anxious that Daichi returned to trail kisses down his neck. For someone Hibiki had known his entire life, he was surprised to find himself unable to squirm out of Daichi’s grip. Another weak sound escaped his throat when he felt Daichi run his tongue over the bruises he placed on his skin.    
  
“You’re lying~ Your face is all red~” Daichi liked the taste, the scent, and the feel of Hibiki’s neck so much he wanted nothing more than to keep himself stuck in this specific moment forever. The loop could have him. It could tear him apart as long as it allowed him to indulge in this moment. Polaris could sink her claws into his body and rip him to shreds limb by limb for all he cared. That did not matter to him as much as this did. This was something he would consider dying for.   
  
“I’ll hurt you if I have to! Get off m- gh!” Daichi pressed his palm up against Hibiki’s crotch and curled his fingers around the fabric. Hibiki was fighting the urge to really try and hurt Daichi just to get him to stop putting his hands where they did not belong. Daichi would argue they belonged there as much as anyone else’s hands did, perhaps even more.   
  
“Mmm, has Io touched you here? Will I be your first? That would be nice.” If anyone would have asked him to recap what was said during his lustful craze, he would not know how to answer. The replies he offered Hibiki were so automated that it did not feel as if it was his own voice speaking up about his feelings. It was some deranged altered version of his personality that tried to make a fantasy come to life- an exaggerated version of what he actually desired. When the world lacked compassion, was it so wrong to take it? Was it so wrong to yearn for something one could not have under normal circumstances? Was it wrong to distort reality to fit fantasy if it was the only way to feel any sort of happiness?   
  
“Daichi! Stop! I don’t want to hurt you! Just tell me why you’re-” Hibiki’s attempt to reason was not reaching Daichi. Not when it felt so pleasant to feel Hibiki’s lips on his own- for Daichi to feel his body react positively to the wet sensation of Hibiki’s mouth on his. Hibiki managed to turn his head to the side just so he could let out another piercing scream. His body trembled at the action, filled to the brim with horror and disgust. It was the first time Daichi had heard Hibiki’s voice reach that certain sharp edge. He sounded tormented. The tone of his voice was downright haunting. A sick, demented smile was visible on Daichi’s features. Now, Hibiki could empathise. Now, he could understand.    
  
_ Good. You’re hurting, too. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Now we can be hurt together. We can be helpless together. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Now you know what it’s like to be trapped. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ If only you could stay here like this for 200 more days. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Maybe then you’d understand why I need this. Why I want this. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Why I want you. _

 

A kick to the gut.    
  
It was Hibiki’s last resort to get his best friend off him.   
  
It was expected, but feeling Hibiki kick him so suddenly sent him staggering backwards with his arms around his abdomen. Someone that risked his life for him had just kicked him. Perhaps not to injure, but definitely to push away. Daichi was aware that it was his own fault, but comparing the two moments still hurt. Especially when he was hyper-aware of the fact no time had passed between the two events, since they took place on the same day.   
  
“What’s wrong with you?! I told you to stop!”   
“And if I don’t?”   
“I’ll…” Hibiki hesitated, but glared at Daichi the best he could despite being so shaken. “I’ll fight you if I have to.”   
“So you’ll kill me?”   
  
_ That sounds even better than what I had in mind. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Climb on top of me, wrap your hands around my neck, press into me, suffocate me, crush me- kill me. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I’m not your best friend anymore, am I? _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I’m the pervert that almost raped you. That’s what I’ll be remembered as. I’m fine with that, as long as it’s you that remembers for once- as long as it’s not me. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Do it, Hibiki.  _ _   
_ _   
_ _ You know I deserve it after this. _ _   
_   
“No… Of course not, but I’m not going to let you just touch me in public.”   
“In… public?” He tried to hold back a laugh. “Are you saying you’d let me deflower you if we were in a safe place?” The silence Hibiki offered him helped the idea sink in, and the conflicted look on his best friend’s face was making his head start to cycle through familiar emotions he thought were lost to him. Regret, empathy, guilt, and shame. They all came flooding full force- reminding him of the person he used to be before this ordeal started driving him to the brink of insanity.   
  
He never really saw anyone look at him with such heartache before- with such betrayal. The clear cobalt blue in Hibiki’s eyes had turned a steely shade- his eyes were so misty with disbelief that it was downright painful to look at. Daichi felt his voice get stuck in his throat. The brutal display he had put forth was making his eyebrows twitch and his lips tremble with disgust. This was not the Daichi he knew himself as. The person within this body was not the same anymore. The change had been so gradual that he completely glossed over the fact he was not acting as himself. Panic and paranoia coursed through every vein in his body as his mind finally started recalling every little touch he placed on Hibiki’s body against his will.   
  
_ I almost raped my best friend. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I almost. _   
  
Seeing Hibiki slide down the wall to curl up with his arms over his head and his knees to his chest managed to snap Daichi’s mind back into gear. The shakiness that was so familiar within his voice returned when he realized he made a horrible mistake, and he could barely force out the words.   
  
“I-...”    
  
_ I’m sick. _   
  
“I’m… so sorry...”   
  
_ You won’t remember. _   
  
_ You’ll get over it. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ But what do I do with these new memories? They’re my own fault. Only mine. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ What do I do now? You deserve better than this. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Some best friend I am. _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I’ll protect you, I’ll protect you, I’ll protect you- I lied! I lied! I lied! _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I didn’t mean to! I’m sorry! I really wanted to do my best! But I don’t know what else to do! _ _   
_ _   
_ _ I know you don’t hate me! I know you don’t want to kill me! And I know I don’t really want to die! _ _   
_   
He pulled at his hair and failed to resist the urge to yell at the top of his lungs. That painfully familiar ringing in his ears from his own grating voice bounced off every wall only to ricochet straight back at him full-force. It both made him want to impale himself and keep fighting despite it. Polaris was making this unnecessarily painful on him, but Daichi blamed himself for making things twice as hard by hurting others over his own inner turmoil.   
  
_ I just want all this to end so we can go back home! So I can tell the real Hibiki -my Hibiki- how much I miss our boring everyday lives- _ _   
_ _   
_ _ So I can tell him not to fall in love with someone this sick and twisted! _


End file.
